No No NooOOooOO

As part of my psychology degree ( a good 10 years ago now) we were forced to do a full year of self- introspection. Analysing our dreams, our thoughts, our handwriting, our habits... Any and every part of our very selves were poked and prodded for deeper meaning... and the result? I was told I was a chronic people pleaser. I derived my self worth and esteem through the act of supporting others. That was 10 years ago, and while I know I have grown up (alot) since those days, I cannot seem to shake the habit. Even without my realising it, I constantly sacrifice my own happiness and desires, for the sake of not letting others down.

Case in point: Oscar! Our office used to be adjacent to an apartment which we let out publicly. A lady came to stay in the apartment for 6 months while having her flat renovated, and along with her, she brought her cat, Oscar. Over her time in the apartment, and the apparent disappearance of my back bone, she got into the habit of plonking the cat on my desk every morning and leaving him there for me to look after all day. At first it was sweet. By day 3, it was old. Old and insulting.
Anyway, true to form, I smiled sweetly and took it on. Now... she has moved into her new apartment down the road, and we have moved into our new offices; yet here I am. Cat-sitting for the week while she is on a weight-loss retreat in Turkey.
The apartment has air-conditioning, modern furnishings etc, so very plush... BUT it's on the 6th floor (with no lifts) and it's fallen in a week when Kirsty is still on crutches. Despite telling her before she left that Kirsty was on crutches, she implied it was my problem to sort, and again, the absent backbone has meant that I have trapsed up those stairs twice a day to fulfill my duty, and punish myself for not spitting out that swear-word: NO.

Second case in point (if you needed one): My job. Anyone who knows me, knows how much (too much) I give to my job. Kirsty has balanced me a lot over the past few years, but I used to be bad bad bad... really... like those sad women you read about who don't have lives, because their jobs consume them- that was me... and while I know I have come a long way, there are daily instances where I do a double take, thinking "did they just ask me to do that, knowing how unreasonable it is...seriously!?"... again though, my unreliable backbone means those feelings remain thoughts and I facilitate the expectations. Fine... but now they're threatening to meddle with my SA holiday, and here I am feeling guilty about it! I was asked to set up meetings to meet with colleagues in SA while I am down, and my knee-jerk reaction was "sure" but as soon as i had a second or two to think about it, I was left having that familiar feeling of  what the %&$£!!? I have sent an email explaining that it's a personal holiday (i know, the backbone was a surprise to me too!), and I await the reply; but it's a reminder to me of the behaviour I facilitate from others. The only reason they even ask such unreasonable things of me, must be because I have somehow led them to believe they can.

10 years down the line and I am still a people pleaser... I guess they did warn it would be around for a while by adding "chronic" to the diagnosis; but I need to, and will shake it.

Be warned all, this woman is strapping on a pair, and WILL be saying NO (did you hear me, NO!) from now on...!

In other news, Kirsty and I are getting our stuff together for SA, and as the time creeps closer (next week!) the butterflies are becoming a constant. So much to think about... itineraries, clothes, hand luggage, toiletries, travel money, meds... ah the lists are endless but we are SOOOOOO excited!

A cupboard has been designated to keep all our SA stuff together, the necessary excel spreadsheets have been done, and we are rearing to go!

Looking so forward to seeing everyone... x

much love
xx